I am basically a normal guy. I go to college. I study software. I attend classes. I do assignments. I have already applied for university and have 5 offers. I plan things sometimes. I keep up enough to not fail. I show up when I need to. I get things done. I follow through on most commitments, though I do not follow through on most of the more personal, minor ones. I exist, I participate, and I live my life. I do not like change much, and I do not seek it out. My own need to do things a certain way drives me nuts, even though they are rules I made myself. Rules I hate. It is coding conventions that are not really conventions, dealing with technology that pisses me off because it is old and does not work, doing the same thing every day on a schedule to the best of my ability despite the fact that repetitiveness in any capacity drives me insane. I feel like that picture of the bird in the cage with just two bars. That is just how it is.
I feel a low, constant sense of being overwhelmed, like it is always there. I do not like change much, and I do not seek it out. This guides much of what I do. I move through the same routines, keep the things I have, and try not to upset the balance of my days. The rules I make for myself, the way I insist on doing things, adds to this feeling of being overwhelmed. I am trapped in my own system. It is partially by all the things I own, partially by my resistance to doing anything differently, and partially by the idea that doing anything differently could make things worse. For this particular issue I like to think of it in a Buddhist context, if I can, that attachment to things and resistance to change are partially the problem. But I still cannot let go. Everything feels valuable. It feels like I still need it. The only way I can think of getting rid of it, or truly justifying keeping it, is to make good use of it.
One example is a kit I was bought many years ago in primary school. I cannot get rid of it. I never even used it. It would be such a waste for such an awesome thing to be thrown away when I have spent about seven years telling myself I will finally get it done, but never have. Once I have used it all up, and it has no more use, then I can get rid of it. I have Lego that I feel I never categorised properly. I do not even know what is in there. I cannot give it away. I need to go through it, organise the bricks into bags, make sure the next person gets a good experience with it. I need to do everything, so I can get rid of everything and finally stop this feeling of being overwhelmed. I am looking for a job, but nobody seems to want me at all, and I am burning through my savings because I have no self control.
I do have fun with my friends in college. We eat lunch together, talk, and sometimes joke. It is simple, ordinary, but I enjoy it. I have also been going to punk and music events, but I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. I do not dress like them, and my dancing is embarrassing, so I mostly avoid it now. Not that it matters. I lost all the friends I went with at once. It was my fault, I guess, for the way I acted around them, to them. I recently took down the polaroid photographs of myself at the bar owned by what was a good friend’s dad, no longer bluetacked up on my desk. Still, I keep going to events sometimes, watching, listening, trying to belong in my own way. I do not actually tell my remaining friends when I attend events, usually, but they know of a couple. I keep it sort of secret.
I have one truly close friend, and his presence at events that really mean a lot to me feels non-negotiable. I pray for his presence at my 18th, and I hope I will know him for the rest of our lives. I wonder who will outlive the other.
I am not good in social situations. I have messed up a lot of social interactions because I am unstable. I seek relationships I could never maintain. Sometimes I meet people who get me, but it is rare. Most forms of relationships have lost meaning to me after experiences a few years ago. Some of my social life is sadly dictated by what I feel I could "get away with," for example, my ex-boyfriend. We are still on good terms. We still talk and have fun sometimes, but I broke up with him for so many reasons that were not his fault. I do not remember well, but I do not think he took it well. It is an awkward subject. I sometimes wish I had not done it, but partially I think some of my family would not be accepting. I am a male. There are other factors some members of my family may not accept too. Either way, I did not want to have that conversation. Maybe university will ease this when I live further away.
“What's reality? I don't know. When my bird was looking at my computer monitor I thought, the bird has no idea what he's looking at. And yet, what does the bird do? Does he panic? No, he just does the best he can.”